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Saturday, 29 December 2012

#71: It's a Wonderful (Dog's) Life — Part Two

At the West Vancouver home of Rosemary and Donald Pilkington, the family are relaxing in the lounge. There’s high school principal Rosemary, real estate lawyer husband Donald, children Michael (15), Sarah (12), and Cody (9) – plus faithful Golden Retriever Chester, who's lying on his side lapping up the heat from the crackling log fire.

Suddenly Chester starts whimpering in his sleep…

"Donald – do you think Chester is OK?”

“Yes, I’m sure he’s fine. Dreaming about that cocker spaniel again, no doubt. Just as long as he’s not passing gas. This room hasn’t been the same since Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s almost as if he can understand English and mistook the movie title for a command."

“Oh, leave poor Chester alone,” said Rosemary, defending the Pilkingtons' pet pooch of seven years. “I think the Christmas turkey was a bit off. My stomach was a bit iffy afterwards, too."

“Mummy, Mummy! Look – Chester’s wearing a sombrero! He’s a Mexican Retriever!”

“Take that hat off him, Cody! Stop annoying Chester. Let him snooze in peace."

(“Yes, stop that Cody. Like that’s really going to make a difference. He doesn’t take a blind bit of notice of your directions, Rosemary. You’ve got to discipline him more. Well, period. Wait for it, here comes the handlebar moustache…)

“Look Mummy, Chester’s got a muss-dash!”

“Cody! Go and play with your new lego set. And don’t leave any pieces lying around, as Chester may eat them.”

(Eat lego? What do you take me for? How am I going to digest that? Perhaps more easily than the turkey, which was a bit undercooked, but still. Actually, us dogs have digestive systems of steel, what am I talking about. Lego, here I come!) 

Animal Planet comes on the TV, featuring Bactrian camels. British wildlife presenting legend Sir David Attenborough is the guest commentator…

To read the rest of this column, check out BC Johnny's upcoming book: Chilled Almonds. 

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