#9: PRO-Crastinator Too: Driven to Distraction

As important as tumble-drying my underpants is, I know it can wait. I have dishes to transform into sparkling crockery and a bathroom to clean.

OK, maybe trying to write a New York Times Best Seller is a slightly bigger priority. So I'll make that #1. Let me just shred these bills (which will hopefully make them magically disappear?) and I'll get right on it. I prom--WAIT A MINUTE. Why is there a solitary Cheerio moving across my kitchen floor? Are Adam (and his Ants) back?

Alright, ALRIGHT! I admit it: I’m a professional crastinator – or PRO-Crastinator, as it's also been termed (by me, just now). I AM going to write that New York Times Best Seller... I REALLY am. But first I just need to return those 15 library books (nine of which I never read; and three of which made a perfect microphone stand for my ironing board-inspired stand-up desk)... and cut my toenails; especially the big-brother pinky, which is really digging in to its little bro. The BBN (Big Bro Nail) is something of a train wreck and I may just need to paint it with fluorescent orange nail polish and put it down to (all that marathon-running) experience (in fact, that applies to both BT's). Or I could just have it/them Marshall Ulriched (see Google)...

No! Come on. SERIOUSLY. This is ridiculous. I've got to learn to concentrate on the matter in hand. Sweep all that other cr*p to one side, and focus on what's most important: Colonically irrigating my sink. Because I don't have a garburator (how did that go from garbage disposal unit to garburator in Canada?) and have been trying to spray-dunk too many sprouted nuts down my plug-hole...

Speaking of sprouting nuts (walnuts & almonds; even though the latter are technically seeds)... have you tried it? It's GREAT. In fact, perhaps the greatest thing since sliced bread. And the sprouted goodies are definitely less painful to devour (that wheat can be a pain in the ass to digest). Oh MAN! I'm doing it again. Clearly I have some strain of ADD or ADHD or AHD or ADDH or...

That reminds me. I need to reorganize my books into alphabetical order (and genre/topic)...

To read the rest of this column, check out BC Johnny's upcoming book: Chilled Almonds.