#15: The Ancient Art of Chatting Someone Up Without Looking Like a Jackass (and other snappy titles...)

There’s an art to chatting someone up (so they say) – in fact, it’s more of a fine art. And what they will never reveal, are the finer details of said art.

This is because ‘they’ are the universe; and there’s a universal law that states: “The only way you’ll ever unveil or unravel the mystery of this Da Vinci-esque code is by enduring the pain and embarrassment of trying to figure it out for yourself. Hitting the canvas many times as you try to paint one.

Which is what I’ve been doing for the last 39.55 years. Enduring much pain and embarrassment, I mean. And I’ve learned some stuff along the way. Which may or may not aid me going forth. Perhaps enough knowledge to help me find The One by the time I’m 80… so we can ride off into the sunset together, on our Motorized Mobility Scooters.

I suppose you could say I’m slowly mastering the art of what NOT to do when it comes to chatting up the fairer sex; without necessarily figuring out WHAT to do. Which is a start. And perhaps, if you're in-between 'dangerous liaisons', my experience(s) can help you, too.

So here’s my Top 10 List of What NOT to Do (or a whole lot LESS of) when trying to woo the lady (or man) of your dreams (in other words, every person you develop a crush on for at least five minutes): 


1.  Clean and Preen Yourself.  You're trying to impress here, so don't turn up looking (and smelling) like Baldrick from Blackadder. First impressions are everything. And, if she/he hasn't called security within the first 30 seconds, you've cleared the first hurdle and given yourself half a chance. So smart-casual, on both the dress and toiletries front. Your top hat & tails can remain in the closet drowning in a sea of mothballs; and most of your expensive aftershave/cologne in the bottle for now. Most football/soccer players do empty a full bottle over their heads after emerging from the post-game shower, but this isn't mandatory.

To view the rest of this column, check out BC Johnny's upcoming book: Chilled Almonds.