#20: A Tale of Flaming Loins & Homer's A.R.S.E.

It was a momentous, historic, life-changing occasion: Homer's A Rampant Sexual Enigma being crowned Bentham 5-a-Side Monday Night Division Two champions for the Spring, 1999 season.

After years of blood, guts and toil, Conan the Barbarian made it--oh no, wait; that's the wrong post. I think this is the right one...

As we were.

After years of scrambling together a team every Monday (sometimes having to play Smithy's Great Dane Tiny in goal); screwing/squeezing our balls... wildly off target; and being fearful of the big tackle (I think it was Linford Christie's 'lunchbox' that did it), we came of age by beating Norfolk & Chance 5-2 in the final game to take the prestigious -- and much sought-after across Europe -- Bentham title.

There'd been a lot of ups & downs; mainly downs, but the odd up.  And also a plethora of name-changes as the team evolved from our first incarnation in 1995.

That was when The Citizen sports desk first entered the league as the Flaming Loins.  And I, as a newbie, but keen/half-decent striker -- in the mould of Romario or Messi (although, the way I sprayed the ball around, more Messy) -- jumped at the chance to join the squad.

For some strange reason -- as yet still unbeknown to me -- we were placed in Monday Division One; going toe-to-toe with some of Europe's (well, Cheltenham, England's) finest five-a-side exponents; namely supermarket star-turns J Sainsbury's, who absolutely tonked us every time we played them. Actually, it may have been 'cos there were only enough teams for one division. Anyway.

Several whippings later, we were relegated to Division Two -- and the team then changed and transformed and reincarnated as Citizen members came and went. Eventually I was offered the chance to take charge, and with an impressive contract on the table (namely, being guaranteed a pint of Guinness and packet of Crispy Bacon Wheat Crunchies after every game; providing everyone remembered that's what we agreed, which of course they never did), I put pen to paper.

My first decision as manager/coach/captain/secretary/kitman/teaboy) was to...

To read the rest of this column, check out BC Johnny's upcoming book: Chilled Almonds.